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All about Grief
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Articles written by professionals and others about how do deal with grief and ways of coping with it.
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Grief is a test to my inner strength |
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Thursday, 22 October 2009 13:52 |
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To say that my inner strength has been tested in this past year is an understatement. I lost my husband to a sudden massive heart attack in November of 2008. Needless to say my whole world came down around me. As if that wasn’t enough, I lost my father to a 4 year long struggle with cancer in January of 2009 just two months after losing my husband. My father found out that he had colo-rectal cancer very shortly after he retired. At that time the doctor’s gave him a fair bit of hope that he would live quite a few years longer as they thought his cancer was only in stage 2. Typically stage 2 cancers have a fairly high success rate. Once they went into surgery to remove the cancer however, the surgeon could see that the cancer had spread to a lymph node, this now put his cancer in stage 3, a somewhat less positive picture for the outcome than they originally thought. After the surgery my father went through the usual rounds of radiation and chemotherapy to stop the encroachment of the disease. For the first 2 years after diagnosis things were looking positive for a possible cure. And my father was determined to fight for long term survival. In about the 3rd year of the treatments the doctor’s found a few new tumors, this time they were in the abdomen.They removed what they could of the tumors and again subjected my father to another round of treatment. It was at this time that I watched the fight leave my father one day at a time. He knew that he could no longer keep up the fight for survival because he had no strength left to do so. It was at this time that I started the mourning process for my father because essentially he was dying; the father I knew for my whole life was essentially gone and I faced a man who was sad, in pain and really had no desire to live any longer than he had to.
A few months before he died the tumor which doctor’s essentially could not remove had grown so large that it started to impede his kidney’s and renal failure started to take hold of my father. He was admitted into a hospice the week before he died where he was made as comfortable as possible for his journey to the place where he would no longer be in pain. If you have ever watched a person live through a terminal illness it is not an easy thing to do. I felt a huge sense of relief when my father finally left this earth because I knew he was no longer in pain. It makes me sound like a horrible person to admit relief when a loved one dies but you wouldn’t wish the pain my father endured the last several months to a year of his life on your worst enemy. I do grieve for my father but I grieve for the man he was before he was ill, not the man he became after he was diagnosed the 2nd time. I am comforted in the fact that where he is he is free of sadness, free of pain and at last at peace.
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3 ssues that Impede healing from Grief |
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Sunday, 18 October 2009 22:50 |
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There are many issues that impede our ability to heal from grief. Some of these are self-imposed and others are a result of how our society handles this subject.
1. Grief is a journey that is very difficult to travel. We are bombarded by expressions in our society that encourage us such as "move on", "get closure", "time will heal all wounds" and "life goes on". None of these expressions acknowledges the pain that is felt at a time of significant loss. If we listen to these phrases it makes us feel that if we can't get back to "normal" then there is something wrong with us. So we try to look normal, which takes an unbelievable amount of energy. No wonder we are so tired!! The first thing to do is find people in our lives that acknowledge our pain and are willing to be there to listen. They don't have to give advice. They just have to listen.
2. As we move through the weeks and months after a death you soon realize that different people in our lives give us different time frames to get over it. Who knows how people arbitrarily choose these different timeframes. Sometimes it feels like a longer period of time is acceptable depending on the relationship title you had with the deceased. Maybe you will receive understanding longer if it is your spouse or child. A cousin may not offer you the same duration of support. But maybe the cousin was like a sister to you and the loss is devastating to you. Don't accept the arbitrary timeframes you feel are imposed on you. Grief follows its own path and almost always takes much more time than our culture will allow. You do find over time that the pain softens, but it is a process that continues forever and does not have an end date!!
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Finding the Strength to Handle Grief |
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Sunday, 18 October 2009 22:48 |
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Replenish your inner strength while going through the grieving process
Saint Augustine of Hippo - "Love is the beauty of the soul."
Just three weeks after my husband of 15 years passed away a family friend and psychologist said to me, "Even the Rock of Gibraltar needs to lean on someone." It was his way of inviting me to get counseling and help in replenishing my strength, either from him or another trusted professional. He was warning me that I could not be strong for everyone else without refueling in some way. I wasn't sure what he meant at the time. I was numb and going through the motions of trying to help my children heal, comforting my mother-in-law and my husband's siblings and grandmothers. I was taking on the role I always did, one that came naturally to me, to be the nurturer of those most dear to me. What I didn't realize was how true my friend's words were. I could not remain the rock without the help of others or without taking care of myself.
Honestly I didn't feel like much of a rock at all. I grieved and I did so in a very profound way those first few months. I just kept it more to myself, letting in only my closest friends and my mother at times. I cried myself to sleep each night for weeks and even months, never letting my children know the extent of my grief, even though I was sure to let them see me cry often enough that they knew they could freely do the same. I also relied heavily on family, friends, and neighbors who gave so much sincere support.
I am three months into my grieving process. With the compassionate reminder of a close friend, I make the daily effort to focus on what I had instead of what I feel I am being denied. I am consciously choosing to be grateful for 15 wonderful years and a love many people never get to experience.
I don't know if there is a right or wrong way to grieve. I just know how I am doing it. I worry sometimes that maybe I'm not sad enough and then at other times I think am I hanging on too tightly to the pain. One thing I have discovered is that I do have a choice. When anger creeps in, I can make a conscious choice to replace it with gratitude. When pain seems to squeeze my heart so tightly that I can no longer breathe, I take a deeper breath and remember to find peace in knowing each day I am becoming stronger.
Some of the ways I have found to replenish my strength are: - Allow friends and family to help. We bless others by letting them know they are making a difference in our lives and by allowing them to be of service. - Get some alone time. This is difficult when children depend on me for day to day care and there are many other responsibilities. Being busy may be a good diversion, but even if it means taking an extra long shower, alone time allows you to regroup. - Talk about your loved one. I find, for example, that when we are watching a TV show and we comment to each other how much Dad liked this show, it helps us focus on the happy memories and keeps him close in our hearts. He will always be my boys' father and the more we remember happy times, the more we feel he is close in our hearts. - Talk to a professional. At first I felt like we were doing just fine on our own, but then came to realize the benefit of talking to someone who sees many different people who handle grief in many different ways. The insight helps us to feel we are "normal" and that we are not alone.
Probably the most comforting support I have received in these first three months is that my friends and family have been supportive in letting me take time to be sad, but then reminding me of all there is to still be happy about. If I can do that with fewer external reminders as each day passes then I know I am healing.
Waves of Gratitude was created by Cheryl Nordyke, Kim Wierman and Carrin Torres. Its jewelry and apparel are meant to give as gifts to inspire or to serve as daily reminders of gratitude, hope, love, friendship and more. Share your own inspirational stories in our blog by visiting us at http://www.wavesofgratitude.com .
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9 ways to Cope with Lonliness |
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Sunday, 18 October 2009 22:45 |
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At various times, loneliness is the scourge of everyone from the young, old, incarcerated and homeless to children, shut-ins, and to the rich and the poor. No one is immune from its grasp. It occurs because of a host of conditions: abandonment, death, divorce, alcoholism, geographical relocation, no communication (living together loneliness), and the lack of human contact, to name a few.
Loneliness also manifests in various forms: cognitive (no one with similar intellectual interests and values to interact with), behavioral (no one to go places and do things with), and emotional (one believes he/she is unloved, all alone, and without emotional support). Sometimes, mourners suffer from all three.
Here are nine ways to confront your loneliness and change your perception of it.
1. Build your inner life. Most of the experts on loneliness agree that the basis for managing it begins with self-development—strengthening your inner life, recognizing your importance, and loving yourself. Specifically, make improvements on your ability to spend time with yourself, then with others. Make your self-talk more positive.
Start by changing your belief that loneliness is something that happens from the outside, to: it is essentially something we do to ourselves. The bottom line is, we can reduce our sense of loneliness since we created it.
2. Acknowledge loneliness and discuss it with others. Like any other problem, get it out in the open. Talk to others who have had to deal with it. Model someone living alone who copes well. Look for help from your church, school, social center, and friends. Read. Go for it. Start your anti-loneliness program with a major commitment: “I am taking action.”
3. Work at reducing social isolation. Loneliness becomes a major stressor because of a lack of human interaction. Start finding ways to meet others. Join a bowling league, square dance club, book or Bible club, or become a library or hospital aid. Start going to brown bag lectures, women’s centers and athletic clubs or take a course on a subject you like. Go to various interest groups. Volunteer. Reach out.
4. Work on your social skills and developing new friendships. You can never have too many friends. Habitually initiate conversation. Become an expert in recognizing and meeting these four needs that everyone wants including you: attention (a telephone call, use the person’s name when you meet, remember birthdays, etc.) acceptance (regardless of how a person looks), appreciation (thank you notes, sincere compliments), and affection (hug, smile, say I love you).
We all have individual needs but we also have very similar needs. Become an expert at developing many specific behaviors that meet those four needs.
5. Monitor your negative self-talk. How you talk to yourself about who you are and how you feel about yourself can add to loneliness or begin to diminish it. Loneliness is triggered by our own thoughts and attitudes. The power of belief that you can diminish loneliness is enormous. Tell yourself you are going to beat it.
6. Determine the time when you feel most alone and start rearranging your schedule to fill those hours as much as possible. If weekends are the worst, factor in your schedule things you can do to fill those hours.
7. Beware of some of the beliefs and myths that bring confusion, disappointment and maximize loneliness. Here are a few that have crept into our culture. I must conceal my fear of forever being lonely; there’s something wrong with me to feel this way. I won’t be loved. Nobody would want to be my friend. Others living alone are doing so well. The group fun myth: fun only happens in twos or more. The perfect friendship myth: a good friend agrees with you on everything. Discard this rubbish.
8. Develop solo activities that can be enjoyed each day. There are many things that you can employ as a regular part of daily routines. Do Yoga, Tai Chi, draw, or do art work. Plan a daily stress break using sounds of the sea audio tapes. Read. Play a musical instrument. Send email. And, most important, take a walk. Download music or interviews on an ipod to listen to. Renew each day by being in a natural setting.
9. Begin immediately to generate breakthroughs. Breakthroughs are doing the things your loved one or others did for you, that you should now do for yourself, or things you have never done by yourself before. Here are some that other mourners have done. Fill your own gas tank and take your car for servicing; take a day trip; eat at a restaurant alone; put out the rubbish; plan ahead to deal with bad days; try the “pet connection;” go on an Elderhostel trip; go to a movie by yourself; plan a party for one: yourself.
After you successfully make a breakthrough, celebrate. Tell yourself you are gaining, changing, and are proud of your progress.
Again, in the final analysis, you can change loneliness to solitude and social isolation to essential interaction with others—every day. The moment you awake, you have a choice of the attitude you will take into the day. Seize on the take action attitude to interact, reach out, and heal. It requires effort and wise choices. If you invest yourself in others, loneliness will shrink into the background.
Article Source: http://www.new.citynewslive.com
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Dr. LaGrand is a grief counselor and the author of eight books, the most recent, the popular Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Encounters of the Bereaved. He is known world-wide for his research on the Extraordinary Experiences of the bereaved (after-death communication phenomena) and is one of the founders of Hospice of the St. Lawrence Valley, Inc. His free monthly ezine website is www.extraordinarygriefexperiences.com.
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For Widows Only: My Secret to Guide You As You Process Your Grief |
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Sunday, 18 October 2009 22:42 |
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It happens fast. You're a happily married couple, a regular George Burns and Gracie Allen, merrily rolling along like two chips in a cookie. You think life as you know it will never end. Blotto!
In an instant you find yourself standing over a hole in the ground staring at a rose-covered casket, and inside that sealed box is your life's partner, your mentor, your husband, the best friend you ever had. Your feelings of loss and loneliness defy description. You wish to wake up and find it all a bad dream. But you can't, because it's not.
Tag. You're a widow. Now!
Welcome to my world. Please know you're not crazy. Your life is just a horse of a different color now. Think The Wizard of Oz. Think I'll be okay. And you will. I promise. Because I've got a secret to guide you as you process your grief.
Here it is:
Repeat after me, "We're not alone."
Sound simple? It is. And it will help get you through one horrible ugly miserable lonely desperate day one moment at a time. It's important to look to the widows who have gone before us, and to the widows who exist around us, for inspiration and guidance. Do not think misery likes company; think strength in numbers, instead.
Then call a meeting, an imaginary bereavement meeting, of celebrity women who have been left behind when their husbands died.
Imagine Jackie Kennedy, Mary Baker Eddy, Dolly Madison, Eleanor Roosevelt, Joan Didion, and any other famous widow whose name comes to mind, sitting around your kitchen table, sharing their stories. With you! Imagine what memories they'd conjure up?
Then remind yourself - if they can deal with this pain, so can other, not-so-famous widows, like us.
I know it's painful to bury your man. On life's long list of ugly, losing a beloved husband rockets to the top, nothing anyone can do or say, including this writer, can change that. But, thinking, we, not I, is the secret. And if you follow my secret advice outlined above, before you know it, your upside smile will have turned right side up again. And who knows, after listening to Jackie, Mary, Dolly, Eleanor, and Joan, spout their sorrows, you just may find yourself on the Yellow Brick Road in search of Tin Man, Scarecrow, and Mr. Lion. Think flying monkeys, fields of snow-covered poppies, witch on a broom! Can you imagine what stories they could tell?
Article Source: http://www.new.citynewslive.com
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All about Grief
