Everyone has a different “timetable” for grief

By Pam Thompson

Having been through two sudden and traumatic deaths in the past ten years and having been a member of various online grief forums,I can say with great certainty that the “timetable” for grief varies greatly for each person who is going through it. It is my feeling that there are two factors which indicate how a person is going to cope the aftermath of the death of a loved one no matter how that person died. The first is the person’s personality which includes their ability to handle trauma and the death of a loved one is emotional trauma, and that person’s individual spiritual beliefs. I do know that  I have read other people’s accounts of well meaning friends and relatives who say to them“ It’s been a year since (blank’s) death isn’t it time you stopped grieving?” This not an appropriate thing to say because although we learn to adjust to a new life without our loved one we never ever forget them and they will always stay in a special place in our hearts and minds. Some people have a harder time than others in moving on and may need to seek help from a professional. According to the following website it can take months or years to fully process and accept the loss. They also go on to say: Seek professional help – If your grief is unbearable, or if you are simply unable to function, it’s a good idea to speak to a professional to help work through your grief.

Help Starts here!  As I mentioned in my welcome message I am 11 months into the loss of my husband and it has been a rollercoaster ride of emotions.We were a couple for just over 12 years and married 9 and a half of those when he died. I had known him a total of 32 years because we were good friends in high school. This was a man I had known for over half of my lifespan and he was my soulmate. When he died my whole life flashed before me and I was devastated. I have a strong faith and I am a mother so in my case I knew I had to keep it together for my then 6 year old son because he needed me more than ever now that his father was gone. I found time to grieve after he had gone to bed and even now almost 11 months later there are days when I have a breakdown listening to songs my husband loved or songs that make me think of him. It has become a lot easier as time goes on but I’m not completely stable yet and that’s okay because it hasn’t really been that long in the grand scheme of things. This too shall pass. Any article I have read during my grief process has said that time heals all and well meaning friends who tell you to “get over it”, aren’t giving you logical advice. My view is that we never really heal after a death but we do learn to deal with and accept it and go on with life as best as we can after the loss. Most of all know that you are not alone.